While I normally don’t “spill the beans”. Yesterday I did. Allowing others to see brokenness is never a fun thing. It’s uncomfortable and vulnerable. Because of my hurts and brokenness I have a passion for encouraging others and praying for them. If I can bring a smile and lift someone’s heart, directing them to Jesus, its worth it. Trouble arises when I look at my brokenness rather than Jesus.
Yesterday at my Bible study we covered two women of the Bible: Ruth and Hannah. The study on Hannah hit me hard. I’ve never thought of myself as barren. God has blessed us with a son. As we did the study this week on Hannah, I saw there are other kinds of barrenness. As I sat at my video magnifier two days ago finishing up the lesson, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I thought, “Lord why do I have to sit at this machine to do this study? I’d like to be able to see the book and write the answers without something largely magnifying it. So like Hannah, I was focused on what I couldn’t do: complete the lesson without aids. I want to see well, comprehend well, not constantly be trying to fill in the blanks of what I’m not seeing or hearing/ comprehending. I thought I’d dealt with these things but it appears to be deep rooted. This study on Hannah “picked the scab off of my wound”.
It was hard showing my Bible study sisters the items I had checked off for my areas of barrenness. Four of the items I checked were employment, ministry, health (visual and hearing) and pleasure. I think my sisters were surprised I checked off ministry since I blog. The thing about writing, I do it home alone. It doesn’t really seem like ministry because I don’t see the fruits from it, however God does. I told them I can’t do this alone. God gives me the patience for the process that is so frustrating, it is downright amusing. Maybe one day I should get someone to video the process of me blogging on a touch screen iPad. Type, then zoom to see what I’ve typed, see typos galore, zoom, unzoom, over and over until God has enabled me to pour it out in writing. It’s not a fun process and it is time consuming, but if it encourages someone to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you know, keep moving forward… its worth it. It still hurts.
They were also surprised I checked off pleasure. I have learned to be content in my situation. Well in all honesty I guess its more like I try to be content. I can’t see like normal people. It’s so hard to explain. I see some but I don’t see it all. I miss a whole lot! I am blessed with sweet friends. My friend Leasa is especially sensitive to what I might not be seeing. S he texts me to go to the store or lunch. I ask her the different things opening in the shopping centers. I can see the signs but I usually can’t read them. I guess I don’t know half of what I’m really missing.
I could go on and on here but that’s not the point. The point is that I realized, just like Hannah I was looking at the ”barren” issues instead of Jesus. I don’t consider myself a bitter person but deep down there are things I strongly desire: Good vision, connection with people, being able to hear and comprehend.
This morning as I prayed I said, “Lord can you trust me with healing?” In my spirit I heard, “Can you trust me without it? Lord get me to the place of surrender where I can honestly say YES! I always say Jesus is more than enough. After this study He has much more work to do in my heart so I can fully surrender. One day, God willing, I can totally put it all on the altar and leave it there. Just looking to Jesus and all He is and not on what I perceive I’m missing.
What about you, do you have areas of barrenness in your life? It could be in relationships, finances, love, respect just to name a few. As I type this a song has come to mind that I have not heard in years. It’s amazing how the Lord brings music to my heart from years ago when I could hear much better. If I can find the song and video I will add it to the end of this blog. Let’s pour out our hearts, our hurts, our brokenness to Jesus and allow Him to do what only He can do… bring peace and joy once again.
If you liked this blog post please subscribe and share. You can find my autobiography Rooted by the Water on Amazon. I pray it gives you great hope and courage to surrender to Jesus. He is all you really need. Be blessed.
Now let me go find that song. Went online and even texted a friend, trying to find the song. It was a little “ goose chase” but I found it. Friend Indeed by Billy and Sarah Gaines. Take a listen. Whew.. it’s a old one and might show my age but the lyrics are spot on. Here’s the link. Enjoy!
Www.shannonkhinson.com
rootedbythewater.blog 